What the Hell?
by Silver Dragon 2488
Summary: My conglomeration of random, funny events that popped into my head while playing the first game. This...thing... makes no sense whatsoever. The rating is due to horribly done morbid humor.


The only thing that you should know about this fic is that it was inspired by the sheer lack of humor fics in this fandom. Of course, this IS a rather hard fandom to write humor for, so I'm not mad. Just a little sad. The random things you are about to read are a cumulative result of me trying to make the horrible things that happen in our most favorite game funny. Here I go.

Disclaimer: NO. I OWN NOTHING. GO AWAY.

**What the Hell?**

**Scene 1**

**A Day at the Beach**

It was a fine, sunny afternoon as Caim and his strange entourage were taking a happy little stroll along the beach. Of course, this meant that Caim was killing every little creature he saw in the sand, Arioch was planning on how to eat Seere, Leonard was trying to figure out how to save Seere from Arioch, Verdelet was being useless and Seere had no idea what was going on.

Angelus hated things, and as she was watching Caim stab a crab in the sand with his sword, she said, _"You know, I thought that your bloodthirst only extended to humans, but apparently, I was wrong. That crab must have insulted your mother or something."_

Caim nonchalantly flipped her off and continued stabbing his crab. Seere, who was quite bored -and unaware of the shadowy Arioch coming up behind him with an evil twinge in her eye- went up to Verdelet to ask him stuff. "Mr. Verdelet," Seere began, "Why do you suck so much?"

Verdelet, in all his glory, made the "serious face", which meant he was about to say something serious. Hence the name "serious face". "My boy, the reason I suck so much is that I'm old and I can't defend myself. And to piss off the gamers, since, apparently, the mere plot line of this game isn't aggravating enough. Also, my dragon, which used to be powerful, is now an oversized paperweight and is useless as well. I am just this huge beacon of uslessness"

Seere was still confused. "But you're supposed to have mighty hierarch powers, right?"

"Yes, but if I used those, then that would make me somewhat useful, right?"

"Oh yeah…"

Suddenly, Arioch sprung from the shadows and began to munch on Seere's head. Leonard was sad. "No! Seere!" he cried as he rushed to the aid of a little shrubbery he thought was Seere. Verdelet tried to beat Arioch off with his little hierarch sticky thing, but he was too weak and stupid. He suddenly collapsed, dead, because he had tried to be useful.

As Seere was screaming in horrible, blinding pain because Arioch was breaking through the skin, Leonard tried to help the little kid, but he ran into a tree. So, he went to his back-up plan. Arioch let go of Seere's head when Leonard held up a rubber fetus. "Arioch!" he said, as if he were talking to a doggy, "Go get the fetus!" He threw the fetus, which landed a few feet from Caim, who was still stabbing the crab. By that time, the crab was little more than a puddle of crab-goo. "Go get it!"

She ran on all fours as she chased the little rubber fetus, and when she got to Caim, tried to eat him. But he promptly smacked her on the nose for being bad and went back to stabbing. As Arioch happily chewed on her rubber fetus, Caim stood to look for more crabs to kill when Leonard walked up to a rock about thirty feet away from Caim and began to lecture the rock.

"Now Caim," Leonard scolded, "you shouldn't kill people. Or crabs. It's bad." He pointed his finger threateningly at the rock face. "You're a bad man. A very bad man."

The dragon snorted from her perch on the rock that Leonard was chiding. _"And this is coming from the one whose love for his brothers and Seere borders on pedaphility?"_

Caim looked up to her with a glare. _Is that even a word?_

Angelus glared back. _"Quiet, you."_

Seere, who had bandaged his head all by himself because no one paid attention to him, finally noticed that Verdelet was dead. "Oh my Gosh!" He cried. "Verdelet's dead!"

_"How wonderful,"_ Angelus replied.

Caim approached the hierarch's body and began poking him with the point of his sword. _Hey, this is kinda fun._

Leonard heard the poking with his Annoying Hermit hearing powers and turned to his right, where a happy palm tree was. "Caim, you stop poking the hierarch's dead body right now! That's not nice! You're a bad man!" Since Angelus was tired of Leonard's pestering, she ate him. But he tasted really bad (because he was filthy and annoying) so she spit his half-alive body into the ocean, where he drowned a horrible death. Everyone was a little happier and the faerie, since his pact-partner drowned, exploded into a million fireworks.

Arioch pointed at the spectacle. "PRETTY! SO PRETTY!"

Then, Seere laid out the blanket they randomly had and sat on it. "Let's watch the show on this blanket, guys." Caim reluctantly sat down with a little crab to crack if he got bored, Arioch pounced on the unsuspecting Seere and Angelus was a little sad because she couldn't fit on the blanket.

_"What a nice day at the beach,"_ she said conclusively. And as the sun set and Seere's cries of horror and pain cut off, Caim cracked the crab in half because he was bored and wanted to kill more things. But he couldn't because he only brought that one crab with him to the blanket.

The End

…………

There's not much I can say about this. I've been feeling particularly insane the past couple of days and have wanted to burst out into maniacal laughter, but I haven't for fear that I'll scare someone. So, I'm trying to purge the insanity by writing this piece of oh-so-morbid humor. Unfortunately, it didn't work. In fact, it made it worse. O.o

Don't be offended by the morbidity of this. I'm just trying to be funny.

Ja!


End file.
